Leave Your Pants at Home

 Yes you heard me right; leave your pants at home. Even though I am dying to wear pants, I know I have leave home without them since there is a shortage in my pocketbook. I simply can't afford to leave home with pants. I am forcing myself to accept the thoughtlessness of the fashion industry; I know they don't mean to set trends that people can't follow. They simply do not realize they are asking us to buy double the clothes in a semi-struggling economy. I will forgive them for their carelessness because I have mixed emotions about this current trend. Part of me finds it utterly outrageous because I am broke. I just can't deal with the stress of trying to buy additional layers on a budget. And then part of me welcomes this trend as a blast from the past. Like Ms. Hathaway, I wasn't as chic as Ms. Roberts when I rocked the pants and dress trend. I was desperate for a tunic because they were all over the runways, but like most trends tunics weren't immediately stocked in stores, so I did exactly what Anne Hathaway did, I wore a dress with my jeans. Before you consider me a fashion icon note that this was also before I welcomed skinny jeans into my life; therefore, I too was a hot mess. Sadly I didn't realize my outfit would be a fashion forward choice and I only documented it from the waste up.

 Since I'm not a Chanel runway model, I know I have to make a few adjustments to successfully rock this look. I am short therefore everything needs to be tailored perfectly. I need to avoided long boot cut jeans because they will make me look sloppy and dumpy. I need to buy straight slim cropped pants. Cropped pants will make me look taller unlike the baggy jeans. I should probably avoid jeans like the plague because jeans have pockets that have the potential to make my JLO/KimK behind look like a lumpy hippopotamus if my dress fabric is too clingy. (Also since, I'm not a Chanel runway model I will not glue crystals to my eyebrows no matter how tempting that is!) Before stepping out in your pants let's take a moment to be honest Emma Roberts looks chic from the front, but her side view doesn't give her body justice. I am afraid this trend might make some of us (me) look like a balloon not fashion icon. But if you must rub your wealth in my face go ahead and wear your pants. Unfortunately I am leaving home without them.

Sometimes Sweaters Make Me Look Fat

Cheers to winter, which is swiftly approaching! Winter/Christmas is every shopaholic's dream. I'll admit I am notorious for buying "me-presents" while shopping for others. Nothing excites me more than swiping my credit card while being surrounded by vibrant Christmas trees in department stores or lugging all of my shopping bags inside while smelling the scent burning firewood floating through the air. The only downfall to this jolly time of year is my winter wardrobe dilemma - frumpiness. I've decided that wearing a mobile fireplace aka a cozy sweater isn't worth it. I'll gladly freeze. Sweaters just make me look frumpy and who wants to look frumpy? Since this classic trend has graced the 2012 fall and winter runways, I am left with the challenge of deciding whether I should follow this trend. I have spent countless hours dissecting runway pictures and dissecting pictures of me in sweaters and I have come to several conclusions.

1. Avoid bulky sweaters at all cost because they hide your waist. Everyone needs a waist! To make you think you can easily rock a bulky sweater, designers stick the waif in bulky sweaters or they pair the sweater with shorts - totally logical. If it were plausible to wear shorts with my chunky sweaters, I know I could chunk my frumpy sweater mentality out the window because I have always felt shorts give me the illusion of having slimmer legs. But in reality, if it is cold enough to rock a chunky sweater then it's too cold to rock shorts. If you must rock the chunky sweater wear it with your tightest skinny jeans or leggings because access fabric upstairs and downstairs equals frumpiness.

2. It's all about the fabric. Extra fabric gives the illusion of extra pounds. For years Victoria's Secret fooled me into thinking fabric didn't matter when it came to sweaters. Every modeled dawned this heavy Bouclé fabric and, of course, managed to look skinny in it because, after all, they're airbrushed. Finally, at my friend's surprise engagement party I tragically realized after an embarrassing catastrophe that this fabric was not flattering on me. Consequently, I was left with a bruised rib from an overly tight belt. I thought if I belted my chunky sweater then I would still look slim, and I momentarily did until my belt snapped in half from the pressure of me breathing and the extra sweater fabric. Ditch chunky sweaters, if you are curvy and choose a lightweight fabric. Cashmere isn't just for the wealthy it's for the chic. Cashmere is a lighter fabric, therefore the extra fabric will not give the illusion of extra pounds.

3. Vertical lines are your friend when rocking a sweater! An accessory like a long necklace or a buttoned up cardigan will give you the illusion of a leaner and more slender torso. I have dissected myself in sweaters and have determined that my waist looked like a wide six lane interstate and the only way to break up the lanes was to add a vertical yellow line. I happen to have an array of long necklaces that would be the ultimate sweater lifeline at www.stelladot.com/laurenwarren.

4. Believe it or not the Doiman sleeve (red sweater) is flattering even though it is extra fabric because this extra fabric serves a purpose. The sleeve cuts right under the bra band giving the illusion of a slender waist.

Successful sweater wearers are like magicians ... it's all about the illusion.

(Also note that the pants under dresses and skirts look was all over the runway ... we can chat about this later!)