We're Experiencing a Bump

My life didn't drastically change the day I learned I was going to be a mother. It started and ended just like any other day. Sure there were hours filled with excitement at the revelation of this significant life-altering secret. But in the weeks following I thought my maternal instincts would have kicked in. I wasn't immediately overcome with this profound joy that only a mother can experience. Yes I was excited, but it was a shallow excitement followed by nausea and migraines and the realization that, dammit, after 10 years of slimming down, I am going to end up going back to my high school reunion fat. Egotistically, I hope that someone out there would have been curious enough to look me up on Facebook, and see that yes ... I did slim down.

I have never been one of those women who are giddy shopping for baby clothes. Baby shoes have never brought tears to my eyes or reduced me to say, "I can't wait to have a kid so that I can shoe them".  I have always assumed I'd have children, but I've never been baby crazy. I've listened to women excessively insist they didn't want children more than I'd really ever thought about having children. I joked with my friends saying that I just wanted kids to name them and to dress them ... that was it ... and they knew I wasn't kidding. When my girlfriends have had babies, I'm the person that holds them for approximately 2.4 seconds and hands it back. The second I start talking my deep raspy voice alarms them causing them to breakout into a horrid fit of fright, so I guess I will have to learn to whisper to my child. I have no desire to clean up their puke or change a dirty diaper. If it were possible I would hire a bodily fluid cleaner. I cringed when my nephew asked me to "wipe" him (of course I was twelve, but I was appalled that a kid was old enough to talk, but not old enough to clean up after himself. (I'm sure he's horrified ... I doubt he's reading.))

Every step of the way, I have questioned myself.  Am I ready for this? Deep down I have always convinced myself that I needed to fill my entire bucket list before I have kids because it's all over once you have kids. I can't just pick up and travel anymore, and we were just finally getting back to a place in life where life wouldn't be filled with long study hours and countless hours of working for free. I know my life isn't over, that's just my extremism kicking in. I'm certain that my bucket list will change. I can still travel and probably still will, despite people telling me I won't want to ... they don't know me.  I know the power of a babysitter and am fully prepared to utilize that power. I've always thought I'd be too selfish to be a mom, but then I finally realized that I'm not. I know what it means to make sacrifices for other people. I packed up a perfectly good life to put it on semi hold for my other half to attain his goals. While I might have complained about living in the Retirement Community, I've never once regretted my decision to move here or to support my husband. Through the years, I've learned that I don't have to satisfy every frivolous whim. I know that not everything can fit perfectly into my own agenda. I don't want to be the difficult one in situations because I know the majority of life doesn't revolve around me so I shouldn't try to live like it does. While I'll always have a tad bit of selfishness (It's not my fault, I grew up as an only child and compared to other only children ... I'm honestly not that bad), I know there is room for it to revolve around someone else. Despite my hesitations, I truly am ready for the Autumn when my life will once again be turned upside down for the better.