Dear American Airlines ... You're Scum Between My Toes

Dear American Airlines,

In the words of Alfalfa:

"I hate your stinkin' guts. You make me vomit. You're scum between my toes." 

Love, 

Lauren 

PS.

Thank you for acknowledging my bazillion tweets complaining about how awful you are because you screwed us on EVERY. SINGLE. FLIGHT. But you graciously made up for it by bumping someone off the 9:50 flight so that we could make it home. Your generosity truly made my night  ... and destroyed someone else's. 

While stranded in DFW, I learned a few valuable lessons:

1. My life is a sitcom. Everything goes wrong, and then it miraculously it all works out ... thanks to Twitter.

2. Packing dog food and baby formula isn't the same, exact measurements never pan out. You rarely run out of dog food, but you will inevitably always ran out of formula. 

3. Finding baby formula in an airport is like finding Waldo ... You'll eventually find that solo package, but it's after you have walked across the entire airport.

4. No one really listens to the TSA announcement warning you to report unattended bags to security.
During our hour long hunt for baby formula, unbeknownst to me,  I left Elle's suitcase in the first store we went to. We discovered my carelessness three terminals later. I won't name names, but someone in my family was not happy about this. 

5. Swim diapers are not the same as regular diapers. In my foolish attempt to ration regular diapers, I discovered that swim diapers keep water out, but they don't keep water in. Luckily, no one listens to the TSA announcements.

6. Just because your luggage was on an earlier flight doesn't mean it will be waiting for you at your destination after all 8:20 pm is the new 11:46 pm.

 

 

Always Get a Second Opinion ... and Wear Sunscreen

When your dermatologist walks in with hair plugs and tattooed eyeliner, chances are, you're going to need a second opinion.  When Mr. Hair Plugs proceeds to tell you that he doesn't like to remove moles like most dermatologist because he doesn't like to cause scaring, chances are, you're going to need a second opinion. (Surely he needs to pay for an upcoming vacation.) When you explain to him that you have a history of A-typical moles and you have watched this mole darken and his response is 'keep an eye on it', chances are, you're going to need a second opinion. When you tell him just remove it ... you don't care about scaring and he simply sends you on your way, you know, you are going to need a second opinion.

Middle Eastern Exchange-Student Tan

Well Mr. Eyeliner, I got a second opinion because I knew that summer when I was 16 and the boys at church camp mistaken me for a Middle Eastern exchange-student had finally caught up to me. If only I had known that carrot oil wasn't good for your skin, despite the vegetable in the name, this very well could have been prevented. I should have listened to those graduation songs that warned me to wear sunscreen, but I didn't. I wore vegetable oil like every other 16 year-old lifeguard because it sounded healthy. Mr. Eyeliner take a cue from Mother Nature because she was looking out for me. She let it rain everyday in June that next summer, despite the fact that I was once again desperately trying to capture that Middle Eastern exchange-student glow. She knew one day I would walk into your office and you would refuse to remove the ramifications of my youthful ignorance.

In the words of the 1999 graduation song: WEAR SUNSCREEN ... and SPF 4 doesn't count. For the record, I am completely fine. I think most, if not all, of the melanoma was removed from the initial extraction. I'm just aggravated at Mr. "I Don't Remove Moles" because this very well could have been avoided in July and he could have gone on a cool vacation or gotten tattooed lipliner (no judgement) courtesy of my mole removal. Instead, I gave someone else the opportunity to go on a fancy vacation.