Sometimes Sweaters Make Me Look Fat

Cheers to winter, which is swiftly approaching! Winter/Christmas is every shopaholic's dream. I'll admit I am notorious for buying "me-presents" while shopping for others. Nothing excites me more than swiping my credit card while being surrounded by vibrant Christmas trees in department stores or lugging all of my shopping bags inside while smelling the scent burning firewood floating through the air. The only downfall to this jolly time of year is my winter wardrobe dilemma - frumpiness. I've decided that wearing a mobile fireplace aka a cozy sweater isn't worth it. I'll gladly freeze. Sweaters just make me look frumpy and who wants to look frumpy? Since this classic trend has graced the 2012 fall and winter runways, I am left with the challenge of deciding whether I should follow this trend. I have spent countless hours dissecting runway pictures and dissecting pictures of me in sweaters and I have come to several conclusions.

1. Avoid bulky sweaters at all cost because they hide your waist. Everyone needs a waist! To make you think you can easily rock a bulky sweater, designers stick the waif in bulky sweaters or they pair the sweater with shorts - totally logical. If it were plausible to wear shorts with my chunky sweaters, I know I could chunk my frumpy sweater mentality out the window because I have always felt shorts give me the illusion of having slimmer legs. But in reality, if it is cold enough to rock a chunky sweater then it's too cold to rock shorts. If you must rock the chunky sweater wear it with your tightest skinny jeans or leggings because access fabric upstairs and downstairs equals frumpiness.

2. It's all about the fabric. Extra fabric gives the illusion of extra pounds. For years Victoria's Secret fooled me into thinking fabric didn't matter when it came to sweaters. Every modeled dawned this heavy Bouclé fabric and, of course, managed to look skinny in it because, after all, they're airbrushed. Finally, at my friend's surprise engagement party I tragically realized after an embarrassing catastrophe that this fabric was not flattering on me. Consequently, I was left with a bruised rib from an overly tight belt. I thought if I belted my chunky sweater then I would still look slim, and I momentarily did until my belt snapped in half from the pressure of me breathing and the extra sweater fabric. Ditch chunky sweaters, if you are curvy and choose a lightweight fabric. Cashmere isn't just for the wealthy it's for the chic. Cashmere is a lighter fabric, therefore the extra fabric will not give the illusion of extra pounds.

3. Vertical lines are your friend when rocking a sweater! An accessory like a long necklace or a buttoned up cardigan will give you the illusion of a leaner and more slender torso. I have dissected myself in sweaters and have determined that my waist looked like a wide six lane interstate and the only way to break up the lanes was to add a vertical yellow line. I happen to have an array of long necklaces that would be the ultimate sweater lifeline at www.stelladot.com/laurenwarren.

4. Believe it or not the Doiman sleeve (red sweater) is flattering even though it is extra fabric because this extra fabric serves a purpose. The sleeve cuts right under the bra band giving the illusion of a slender waist.

Successful sweater wearers are like magicians ... it's all about the illusion.

(Also note that the pants under dresses and skirts look was all over the runway ... we can chat about this later!)