Sleepless in the Retirement Community

My sweet night owl is 4 weeks old today. And in four weeks I have pretty much become a parental expert. I could totally write a book on how to rock motherhood. 

Step 1: Forget every statistic telling you, you will live longer if you get 7-8 hours of sleep - motherhood instantly subtracts 15 years off your life. Don't bother researching that statistic, just take my word. Four weeks ago at 4:40 am, I asked the nursery nurse if she minded taking my sweet Elle back to the nursery so I can get some sleep; she kindly obliged. Where the hell is the nursery nurse now? I need a house call.

Step 2: Throw every blasted baby book out the window. They don't know what they are talking about! Only buy my book - Baby "UN"Wise ... They can't talk yet, so we don't know why they are crying. They already ate, they burped, they are clean, you are holding them, you gave out colic medicine and gas medicine, you tried to get them to eat again, they weren't hungry, so you decided your kid would win an Academy Award for Best Actress because your child can cry like she really needs something, but doesn't.

Step 3: Unfriend every person who tries to compare their kid to yours -  just like you unfriended every person who uttered the phrase "just wait until you have kids". (You childless people are allowed to hold an opinion on how to raise your unborn children ... even if it is wrong.) All kids are different and these competitive parents are lying (and starving their kid) when they claim their kid slept through the night by 4 weeks.  

Step 4: Accept reality. It's ok to be an Internet stalker. What else is there to do at 2 am? I first realized my abilities 10 years ago with the birth of Facebook when I hacked into my former boyfriend's account in two tries. (It would have really been one try, but I thought I would just take a stab at it and see if Lauren was his password ... it wasn't ... it was Christian. Ironically, he was Jewish ... totally kidding.) I know, I know I am pretty much an Internet guru. 

Step 5: Embrace the emotions. because they aren't going away. I'm the oddest person when it comes to emotions. I never cry about real stuff, but if the pasta falls on the floor, then you can guarantee I will have an emotional breakdown (refer to earlier blog post when my depression about living in the Retirement Community was at its peak). I got a little emotional when I left my last doc appointment. I felt like my OB office was breaking up with me because they didn't ask me to schedule another appointment. Therefore, I shamelessly spent the entire middle of the night stalking all staff.

Step 6: It's OK. It's ok to pretend like the GMA staff and Kelly and Michael are your real life friends because that is the only adult interaction you have all day. It's ok to try on your jeans every day to see if today will be the day that they magically fit. It's ok to notice that it is 4 in the afternoon and you have yet to brush your teeth. It's ok to not understand how people have more than one kid. Shout out to my grandmother for birthing 11. It's ok to resent your dog for not having opposable thumbs so he could help. It's ok to silently curse everyone who can not pronounce Elle. It is like the letter L, Elle Woods from Legally Blonde, Elle Macpherson, Elle magazine ... Not Ell-ie like Ellie Goulding. Finally, It's ok to secretly wish you had a job so that you could hire someone to wake up with your child in the middle of the night ... Actually when you think about it, this is the best option because you will be able to live longer and, therefore, be a mother longer because you are getting your 7-8 hours of sleep. 

Once my book hits Amazon, I will be taking applications for the night shift.