So We're Breaking Up

Yep, we're breaking up, and it's about to be Facebook official. We had a long run. I'll be honest, it's been a godawful run. Most of our memories could be summed up as humorously tragic. I'm pretty sure God and I are the only ones who can make a blizzard on command. Although you have graciously given me special powers, I still think it's best to go our separate ways. I'm just out of love, and forgiveness doesn't come easy. I've held a grudge for a long time. In third grade you plagued me ... and my mother with your antics.

You  magically tricked the daycare workers into thinking I had lice. Yes, I spent my afternoons quarantined with the "real" lice kids, which caused me to miss out on good quality daycare memories. In sixth grade, you amplified my humiliating imitation of the infamous "Rachel" haircut. As we both remember, the haircut itself was horrific, then you had to make it worse, by sticking out like a sore thumb. I will say you were kinder to me in seventh grade when you politely went on hiatus after my sun-in incident. I'm tempted to dye my hair back to that brassy Copper shade, if I knew it meant you would vanish. I hate to even mention college. As a freshman you were everywhere. I had to wear a baseball cap on a daily basis, and I'm not a baseball-cap-kind-of-girl. I have Kate Hudson ears.You showed up while I was on my third date with Mr. Black Polo, and left your mark all over his black polo. I had to go shake my head out on his front porch before I could come back in (at his request ... not mine). I will forever be known as "snowflake," and not because I'm one of a kind. Your only redemption is that I eventually married Mr. Black Polo (at his request not mine ... just kidding).

Needless to say, your shenanigans have left me with scaring memories. I don't know when and I don't know how, but we are going to break up.  I've been to loads of Dermatologist; I'm well aware there just aren't any effective remedies, but I have to quit you. You ruin every black outfit, and it just has to stop.