My stint being fat is winding down, I have less than a month and 9 cm to go (just a little shock value in the form of a classic over-share). I can say by this point, I am not a lover of being with child. I will probably never volunteer to be your surrogate unless you pay a substantial amount of money, and since it's not my child I can't guarantee that I won't have a glass of wine while doing you a solid favor. I of course am totally kidding ... no one could ever afford me as a surrogate. Despite riding my bike religiously until 30 weeks, I haven't weighed this much since middle school ... technically I have NEVER weighed this much, but I like to make myself feel better by acting like my body really hasn't gained that much weight. Plus once they take the kid out all of it will be gone anyway ... right ...?
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In Magnus's defense these are
bandaids from his allergies
not a dog fight. |
At this point I am confident that I could write a book on all the things that no one tells you. For example, your baby won't detach when you do a head stand in yoga, you can't crush it when you do crunches, it grows in a uterus not your stomach (who knew), it can't get fetal alcohol syndrome from Communion Wine (I really don't drink that much this has just been a long-standing martial debate ... I won), riding in a boat will not give it shaken baby syndrome ... Note: these are all real questions I have asked my doctor. Yes, I am totally fit to be a parent. It is also possible to wet your pants in the middle of the street in front of all your neighbors, while chasing after your firstborn. Magnus is having trouble coping with not being an only child anymore, so he has resorted to starting dog fights with the neighborhood dogs. In midst of his dog fight I began to waddle/run/urinate after him. Note: all neighbors were well aware of my mishap due to the size of my puddle, they thought I was going into labor ... I unfortunately wasn't. Thanks Magnus for shaming me in our new 'hood.
Although everything has gone pretty smooth, I have almost had a major breakdown in the grocery store multiple times. It is August 15 Blue Bell ... August 15! According to your website Birthday Cake ice cream is an August rotational flavor. Therefore, I expect you to do your job and deliver it by August 1. You are 14 days late! As I continue to grow and swell, I will continue to be pissed at the Retirement Community Blue Bell ice cream distributers for not delivering my beloved Birthday Cake ice cream in a timely manner. It is August 15 ... get your act together Blue Bell before I start demanding free gallons, this has been my one and only (maybe I'm exaggerating on the only) craving for 9 long months. If I don't have it by September when it is time to start losing weight again ... I will probably file a false advertising law suit ... just letting you know Blue Bell .... just letting you know.
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