Sleepless in the Retirement Community

My sweet night owl is 4 weeks old today. And in four weeks I have pretty much become a parental expert. I could totally write a book on how to rock motherhood. 

Step 1: Forget every statistic telling you, you will live longer if you get 7-8 hours of sleep - motherhood instantly subtracts 15 years off your life. Don't bother researching that statistic, just take my word. Four weeks ago at 4:40 am, I asked the nursery nurse if she minded taking my sweet Elle back to the nursery so I can get some sleep; she kindly obliged. Where the hell is the nursery nurse now? I need a house call.

Step 2: Throw every blasted baby book out the window. They don't know what they are talking about! Only buy my book - Baby "UN"Wise ... They can't talk yet, so we don't know why they are crying. They already ate, they burped, they are clean, you are holding them, you gave out colic medicine and gas medicine, you tried to get them to eat again, they weren't hungry, so you decided your kid would win an Academy Award for Best Actress because your child can cry like she really needs something, but doesn't.

Step 3: Unfriend every person who tries to compare their kid to yours -  just like you unfriended every person who uttered the phrase "just wait until you have kids". (You childless people are allowed to hold an opinion on how to raise your unborn children ... even if it is wrong.) All kids are different and these competitive parents are lying (and starving their kid) when they claim their kid slept through the night by 4 weeks.  

Step 4: Accept reality. It's ok to be an Internet stalker. What else is there to do at 2 am? I first realized my abilities 10 years ago with the birth of Facebook when I hacked into my former boyfriend's account in two tries. (It would have really been one try, but I thought I would just take a stab at it and see if Lauren was his password ... it wasn't ... it was Christian. Ironically, he was Jewish ... totally kidding.) I know, I know I am pretty much an Internet guru. 

Step 5: Embrace the emotions. because they aren't going away. I'm the oddest person when it comes to emotions. I never cry about real stuff, but if the pasta falls on the floor, then you can guarantee I will have an emotional breakdown (refer to earlier blog post when my depression about living in the Retirement Community was at its peak). I got a little emotional when I left my last doc appointment. I felt like my OB office was breaking up with me because they didn't ask me to schedule another appointment. Therefore, I shamelessly spent the entire middle of the night stalking all staff.

Step 6: It's OK. It's ok to pretend like the GMA staff and Kelly and Michael are your real life friends because that is the only adult interaction you have all day. It's ok to try on your jeans every day to see if today will be the day that they magically fit. It's ok to notice that it is 4 in the afternoon and you have yet to brush your teeth. It's ok to not understand how people have more than one kid. Shout out to my grandmother for birthing 11. It's ok to resent your dog for not having opposable thumbs so he could help. It's ok to silently curse everyone who can not pronounce Elle. It is like the letter L, Elle Woods from Legally Blonde, Elle Macpherson, Elle magazine ... Not Ell-ie like Ellie Goulding. Finally, It's ok to secretly wish you had a job so that you could hire someone to wake up with your child in the middle of the night ... Actually when you think about it, this is the best option because you will be able to live longer and, therefore, be a mother longer because you are getting your 7-8 hours of sleep. 

Once my book hits Amazon, I will be taking applications for the night shift. 

Debuting Elle Broox Warren

WARNING BLOG POST IS LONG and FULL OF GRAPHIC OVER-SHARES ... that probably only Elle's mom and dad appreciate!

Last Tuesday when my doctor told me, he didn't think I would make it to my due date (9/12), I told him I would have to wait a little longer I wasn't ready for sweet Elle's arrival ... the chair for her nursery hasn't come in yet! Her nursery and playroom suite (our sunroom) needed to be completed and perfect for her arrival. As if I had any control over the matter because a day later I was informed that the chair fabric was on backorder until October, and I had to come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be cooking this little nugget until October.
Three hours later I was on the phone with my best girl friend chit-chatting about life and the lack of a chair when my sweet child decided she was ready to make her debut by breaking my water. I consulted my best girl friend on my semi spill and she said that I would know if my water had broke so I chalked it up to some pregnancy weirdness. About five minutes later I felt the most excruciating pain and of course assumed I was experiencing the worst gas pains of my life. Note: Throughout the last 9 months, I have blamed every movement or feeling that I can't identify on gas.

During the happy times of my 15 minute epidural experience

An hour later my live-in nurse aka baby daddy knew better and rushed me to the hospital with the car flashers on ... after he took a shower. I asked if I could take one and he said no ... talk about double standards. The hospital nurse immediately ruled out gas and declared that I was in labor and at a 6 (for those of you who thrive on too much information). By the time my CRNA came in with the good stuff I was at a 7. Since we knew him, I felt like the most responsible and practical thing to do would be to let him off the hook by telling him it would be ok if he wet-tapped me (an occurrence that happens during epidurals that causes severe migraines). I didn't want him to feel nervous and or lose sleep at night if he gave me a horrible headache.

My favorite photo

Unbeknownst to me, the next 15 minutes were a little scary. I went from a 7 to a 9 and little Elle's heart rate dropped rapidly. They were consulting an emergency C-section. They turned my pain meds off and gave me something to slow the contractions. Emergency C diverted.
For the next three hours I was in full blown labor without any meds. I now knew what excruciating really felt like ... and great news it's not gas pains! If I heard the nurse say one more time I think the next time will be it, I would have slapped her. I cried and cursed ... only a little ... mostly I was in too much pain to waste any energy on nonsense. Note: I now resent every childless woman who says she doesn't want any meds because she is tough enough to handle it ... she probably isn't and just wants to sound like a badass. Finally the doctor said that she wasn't going to fit and I cringed. What was I going to do with a 10 pound baby. Part of my laughed at the irony; I always joked with my girlfriends that I was too skinny to deliver a child naturally ... let's face it I'm not, I just didn't want to have to do all of the childbirth work and I wanted a baby with a pretty head.

Note: this is not laughing gas

Even my kiss made her cry

At 1:57 I apologized to the CRNA for making him come back to the hospital to give me more meds. I was semi excited because this was my first time to be in an OR and be able to see (most surgeries make you take your contacts out). I also thought it would be cool to be awake during surgery so I could know what everyone talks about. We talked about football and some other stuff ... I really can't remember, I was shivering too bad to concentrate. I told my doctor that it was ok if my incision was jig-jagged because I couldn't keep still for him. Seventeen minutes later I heard a precious little cry. As they whisked her away and kept working on me, I became momentarily excited because I heard this suction noise and I thought they were giving me complimentary lipo ... I asked, they weren't.
A little while later they brought in a 6 lb 3 oz baby girl that immediately cried when I greeted her, and I told her it was ok most babies cry around me.

He slept with her clothes
every night

After a week of life, she has grown to love me. Our first night at home was miserable, but by the second night she realized that we like to sleep at night and she only woke up for her feedings. She is a fast learner. She is utterly delightful, and I couldn't be luckier.

Magnus is a phenomenal big brother. He has been guarding her clothes with his life. The day we brought her home, he picked up a stuffed animal that had been laying on the ottoman for a week and carried it to her to let her know that it was her toy not his ... I am NOT lying. I breed genius babies and dogs.