Velvet Nails ... an Identity Crisis

Updates from previous post

1. I did buy a pair of GB smoking slippers with my latest babysitting check (yes I am 26 and still babysitting, I'm an unemployed elementary teacher so I have to find something to do to occupy by time and give me shopping cash) ... Smoking Slippers are a must have for fall! 
2. We still have not heard if my cousin has a reality TV show, still waiting to hear from producers (If that deal goes through, then you are looking at your newest reality TV hair washer!)
3. That's it ... I lead an eventful life

My blog is having an identity crisis. I am getting adjusted to my retirement community and locals are now reading, so I can't make too much fun anymore. Also my mom was starting to worry. She thought I was severely depressed. I love blogging about fashion, yet I'm not exactly living an a cutting edge fashion Mecca. Most trends are out of style by the time they reach the retirement community, so there's that. However, once again my mom weighed in on this issue too. She thinks that I sound like an editor and I quote from Vogue. Got to love moms, they will always be your biggest fan! While my blog tries to figure out her new direction in the blogosphere realm, I'd like to bring up another crucial identity crisis.

Velvet Nails. - Why do I need to wear fabric on my nails? Are they cold? Do they need a coat? Should I invent little coats for nails? ... maybe we call those gloves?

First Thought, Major Don't! 

Do not put fabric where it doesn't belong. When I was 8, (No matter how old I actually was when things happened in my childhood, I always stick the event in my eighth year of life.) I went to visit my grandmother's sister who lives in Dallas, TX. She had just remodeled her house and had put fabric on this walls instead of wallpaper or paint. My first thought was, "GREAT now you have to vacuum your walls. I hope my mom doesn't decide to do this because I'll be doing Saturday Morning Chores all day." Side Note: I talked like Fran Drescher while doing my chores...Every Saturday Morning. I was that child.

Second Thought, Major Do! 

I love a matte nail. While we are introduced to velvet nails in the summer, I wouldn't recommend it for summer because, velvet is a winter fabric. Then I saw velvet nails in hot pink, which is totally a summer color. Identity Crisis. I am convinced that hot pink will be a fall color this season. I love Essie; the paint job looks to die for! I can do this! It's chic, yet edgy; a perfect  combination. 

Third Thought, Major Don't! 

In reality this is what my nail would
look like ... like crap ... not the fly vibrant
 hot pink nail featured above.

Love the color, but notice the
excess on her thumb.

This is a very messy process. You have a crush velvet, (Ciate' from Sephora offers you crushed velvet and the complete kit for $19.00) paint your nails a base color, sprinkle the velvet in an even manner, and then wipe away excess velvet. This is where my manicure will look like a hot mess because I have a hard enough time painting my nails without getting any on my skin. If I were to sprinkle fabric onto my wet nails/skin, there would be not wiping away. I would have uneven velvet fingers instead of nails. 

I'll probably skip this trend/identity crisis because while it looks glam, I can't execute this trend in a glamorous manner. My nails would be a hot mess. I would only be able to wear clothes with pockets so that I could stick my hands in my pockets at a moment's notice. 

Summer's Must Haves That Transition into Fall

Your are never too old to babysit! Yes ... you really are. I just try to tell myself that because I'm 26 and still babysitting. Unfortunately, it's not even a relative's kid it's a stranger's kids. No, I'm not one of those spinster women who babysits other people's kids because she wants one so bad but can't have any. Really we are just poor for a little bit (21 more months to be exact), so I babysit for shopping money. Life would be so much easier if they paid in giftcards.


Side Note: I should probably feel guilty for not having a child right now because everyone else is having one and I like kids, but I don't. We (or really just me) wants to travel before getting knocked up. Our deal was we had to go to Italy first, we went so now we are just that couple ... that poor couple who would have to breast feed their kid for forever because they couldn't afford real food. If I had my own real kids, then I probably wouldn't have time to babysit and then I probably wouldn't get extra shopping money. So right now babysitting is a win-win situation. 

Since I have had limited funds, I have been very selective in my summer purchases by only purchasing things that will transition into Autumn. - This my friend is Smart Savvy Shopping.

Left: J. Crew inspired boutique necklace, Ann Taylor Loft sheer white billowy top (great summer to fall transition), and high wasted leopard print shorts.

Right: Anthropology inspired pony tale holders that you can rock on your wrist. Seasonal!
Note: Designer inspired ... indicates that it is equally as fab, yet considerably less expensive!

Warby Parker glasses. For every pair you buy, you give a pair to someone in need. So of course I am buying Rx sunglasses and regular everyday glasses.

One of my favorite summer buys is this GB hot pink blazer with a sheer back. I like to refer to it as the mullet of blazers ... business in the front sexy in the back. It will easily transition into Autumn. Pink Blazers are "in" this summer and are featured in this month's Glamour magazine.

   My last two purchases are from one of my all time favorite stores Ann Taylor Loft, where quality meets my favorite word SALE. I do not think that I have ever walked into this store and paid full price for anything. I am definitely a couponista in this store, and it doesn't help that my gas card is the Loft Master Card. Actually this was my brilliant idea, you always need gas; therefore, you are always guaranteed to get giftcards in the mail. Every time I am in line to check out, I share my idea and women act like this is the best news ever. I just think that any resourceful woman has probably thought of this and plenty of other great shopping techniques.

Both of these pieces will easily layer and totally transition into fall. When you are poor it is crucial to have a seasonal wardrobe that can be accessorized to fit any season.

I would like to point out that all of these purchases with the exception of the Loft pieces were paid with babysitting cash and smuggled into my closet. Wait! Terrible and Embarrassing Confession: the J Crew inspired necklace and Anthropology inspired pony tale holders were purchases with my mom's cash and I handed her a babysitting check, which she endorsed and deposited into her account. (My dad would have just bought it for me ... that's the difference between moms and dads.) I became really good at shopping and sneaking when I was in college. It isn't because my roommate would have wanted me to share my clothes with her ... no that would have been normal. No, she actually got on to me because I shopped too much. I worked a boutique this is what happens when you watch other people try clothes on all day ... you buy them at the end of the day because you looked way better than the chick that bought it earlier. Or in my case, you hid what you really liked so no one else would buy it. Tricks of the trade.

Since I babysat today, I have some cash in my pocket, which reduces me to a 16 year old who can't let the money burn a hole in her pocket. I am going to round out my summer wardrobe with a pair of bright GB loafers that of course will totally transition into fall. If color is not in this fall, which it totally will be, but IF it isn't .... I am totally screwed!

5 Trends I Choose To Say No To!

Since there is so much to do in my new town past 9:00 pm (sarcasm),  I watched an episode of Empire Girls. Once I started I couldn't stop, the outfits were mostly train wrecks, and I'm not being mean ... they just were. I really just wanted to reach threw the TV and become Adrienne's nonprofessional stylist. Right away I would let her know that she isn't Rosie the Riveter, a member of the jihad, or a vampire. 

Here are a few of her fashion mishaps, which are trends I recommend avoiding.

Cat Nails are creepy. This does not make you look edgy or like Rihanna ... it makes you look creepy, and we ALL know that you can't zip your pants with cat nails so we are constantly wondering when we are in your presences who is doing your zipping. A recommended modifier to this tragic trend would be Keri's nails. They are way more functional, and in my opinion a classic pop of color that won't leave her staring at this picture in 5 years wondering, "what the heck was I thinking." We all want to have that Jackie O, Audrey Hepburn timeless beauty that will be emulated decades after we are gone, and let's face it, Cat Nails aren't getting us there!

 

 All I can think is Rosie the Riveter and if we aren't living in the 1940's and if it's not Halloween should I really look at your picture and think of Rosie? ... No I shouldn't! Her red headband baffles me is she going for the Rosie the Riveter look, and if so why? Or is she going for the 1960's housewife vacuuming her carpet look, and if so why? 

 I'm also stuck wondering why she is rocking a hot pink turban on her head. Was her hair dirty? 

These are questions people are really thinking when you think you look fly.

Her last look that truly baffled me was her bathing suit. I know in between takes, the crew had to be de-sweating her. I know celebs go to the beach all glammed up, but I truly think that glamour is effortless beauty, not a Cat woman/bathing suit get up. I know you're just as confused as I was by this bathing suit. Can we even call it a bathing suit? Her friend in the yellow is the epitome of glamorous beach attire. She knew where she was going and dressed for the part. I'm the biggest heel lover, but even I know there is a time and place for heels, and it's not the beach. 

Life will always be full of fashion trends, and it's ok to say no to some of them. Point in Case: my experience with the "Rachel" haircut ... disaster from the first snip. 

Here are a few other fashion trends that I am choosing to say no to. 

One bell bottoms. I rocked them in middle school and high school and sadly still my freshman year of college. This was before Skinny Jeans were invented. I became a dress lover only because I was an even bigger jean hater. I am short and Italian. I have thighs. My thighs don't look good in bell-bottoms. If I didn't have these pieces on the side my thigh then I would rock bell-bottoms ... maybe. But I do have those pieces and I am not rocking bell-bottoms because they make my thighs look bigger, and why should I risk looking larger just to be in "style"? It's ok for me to say no to bell-bottoms, and I am glad that all of mine are sitting in a Goodwill somewhere so that I wouldn't even be the slightest bit tempted. If you do dig the bell-bottom look then pair them with heels or wedges ... not your Doc Martens from middle school because your pieces on your thighs need to be elongated. 

The second trend I am saying no to is tie-dyed hair. I might have rocked a feather in my hair, but I am not rocking purple hair (even though purple is my favorite color). I know my limits, and I know that sadly I'm not a rock star. Yes people jam out to my version of Gangster's Paradise at karaoke bars, but I also know that Kool-Aid dyed hair is not for me. I also wish that Joan Rivers would tell Kelly Osbourne and Katy Perry that it isn't for them either. It's like taking color blocking to a whole new level, and sometimes we really don't need to do that. I don't even recommend that strip of Kool-Aid hair. Just wear colorful earrings. 

Nailed Essie as my New BFF

When I found out we were going to be poor I momentarily flipped out like any normal person. Not that I am way materialistic, but I realized I would have to give up certain luxuries i.e. shopping, getting my nails done, and getting massages (not that I got those often ... I just now knew I probably couldn't get any and we were moving to Spa City aka the Retirement Community). I decided that I probably couldn't learn to cut my hair so I definitely couldn't give up trips to the salon, but I could learn to paint my nails. Before I gave up my luxury, I mostly stuck with the normal shades of pinks and reds. Now that I wasn't spending as much money on getting my nails done, I could experiment more with colors. I walked into Ulta and thought, this must be what Heaven is like ... all the stunningly captivating colors. I was an OPI snob but quickly became addicted to buying Essie's new colors. I wasn't sure if some of my colors were work friendly, so I started scooping out everyone's nails at work. I decided that if the librarian could have alternating candy corn and jack-o-lantern nails for halloween (I do not recommend this color pattern to anyone), I could pretty much paint them whatever color I wanted. Let the fun begin!

Start with the basics.
The Miracle Workers

Essie's Fill in the Gap is a miracle worker! I have ridges in my nails and you'd never know when I use that as a base coat. My second miracle worker is Essie On the Go! I can begin my life again in about 2.2 minutes after painting my nails! If you have ever experimented with tips or shellac then my third miracle worker is Essie's Grow Stronger.

Welcome to the Family.
Don't get too adjusted because if I don't like you, I give you away.

COLORS, COLORS, COLORS

Electric Blue for an Electric Summer

A pop of color for the Fourth.
Note: I chickened out because I felt like
a 16 year old PLL wannabe. 

A day of Teal. Nothing says Be Jealous,
 I'm Chilling Poolside like Teal.

Penny for your thoughts! Metallics are in this Summer!

On a day of Green, Purple stands out!
My husband will love that I posted this.

Orange you glad I didn't wear an Orange dress.
Cheesiness at it's finest.

This was an, "I think I should get this as a present picture."
Purple and Brown look good together ... just saying!
In case you were still wondering, sadly I did not get this as a present.

Lilac ... and this my friend is what it looks like to go to the movies in a  Retirement Community.
Your ticket stub is a stinking receipt ... and it wasn't even cheaper! 

Off the Shoulder, Playdate, and Turquoise and Caicos
Playdate is one of my absolute FAVS.
It is purple, yet looks
completely neutral.

I always envied Lauren Conrad's black nails, but I quickly realized that my nail beds were way too long to go black. I then envied Lauren Conrad's short nail beds until I came across this fun paint job. I bring you summer's tie die.
Step 1: Paint nails white and let dry.
Step 2: On a wedged makeup sponge paint three color stripes. Your choice. Similar colors look good but will blend together and will look more ombre', which is still in style.
Step 3: Roll the wedge completely across nails and skin and let dry.
Step 4: Paint a clear coat top coat.
Step 5: Clean up your messy skin. If you don't roll across skin, you will have white edges on the side.
Step 6: HooRay! You have fun nails!

I can store my new hobby neatly in my closet.

If I can't find another job... and let's face it job hunting is not my favorite past time ... I think that I would love to become a nail polish namer. I would rock that job out!

The Skinny on Skinny

Recently I evaluated my life and realized I have an enormous infatuation with the word skinny. In fact, if it has skinny on the label I'm automatically buying it! I have always known I have had a weight obsession ... not like eating disorder ... just the run of the mil obsession. I had a stomach bug two years ago, and while I was at home alone sick (yes let's pause for the emphasis on the word alone), I watched a weight watchers commercial. I decided that NOW was the perfect time to get on weight watchers (my stomach was currently completely empty, so it made total sense).  I naturally I assumed I would be instantly skinny because I just bought the summer online membership, and that's what they were promising me in the commercial. Summer came and went and I didn't lose a single pound. Of course I wasn't going to sign up again ... it didn't work ... no I didn't actually measure my food or keep up with how many points I was eating. I did, however, log everything into my iphone and with those flex points and exercise I could eat pretty much like I was already eating and more and still have TONS of points left over. I hope Jessica Simpson has better luck. I was still regular, not yet "skinny," which is fine ... I'm ok with regular. Still my infatuation with the word skinny grew.

I bought skinny jeans. I ate skinny cow ice cream. I converted to a Skinny Cinnamon Dolce' Latte at Starbucks. I read the book Skinnybones to my 5th grade class, which is hysterical! I cooked recipes from this amazing website called Skinny Taste. I went skinny dipping. I bought the Big Skinny cream by Philosophy. I drank Skinny Margaritas. I got a straightener on my hair so my hair would be skinny. I did it all. I was fully committed to the word skinny. Then I drew the line. Here's the line ---------- and BAM I drew it. I tried it and decided, I would be "regular" for the rest of my life before I ever tried this skinny product again.

Skinnygirl Wine

Sounds like a great idea right? Wrong! Wine is meant to be enjoyed, not to be revolted by. I will admit I was excited about this product when I heard about the idea. I mean it had the word skinny right there next to my other favorite word- wine. A whole glass of wine for 100 calories. So I bought it in red and white. Why not get both bottles, it's going to be delish. I opened the bottle and read the label, "100 Calories for 5 ounces". Wait a second ... don't they know that most wines are already about 100 calories when you drink about 4 - 5 ounces? A little let down by that revelation and a little more apprehensive, I still took a sip and it tasted like my wine bottle had been opened for two weeks and had fermented into that nasty, yucky, discolored wine then rebottle for my "skinny enjoyment".  I'm depressed all over again just thinking about it. My frugal husband wanted me to drink that nasty wine, I pawned it off on some of our new retirement community friends. I definitely was not practicing proper wine etiquette by bringing a new bottle of wine to a dinner party, I was desperate to get rid of it. Just because it sounds good doesn't mean that it will be good so don't jump in and buy two bottles right away, that was my take home lesson.

 

_________________________________________

Delicious  The line has been drawn

Lauren Conrad lied, and I had bad hair

Exhibit B

Exhibit A

I move away and everyone gets famous back home. My aunt and cousin are in the final casting stages of getting a reality TV show at their beauty shop. The network wants it to be based on Steel Magnolias where the same women come in and gossip every week. I don't want to bust the network's bubble, but don't they know the only women who frequent a beauty shop weekly are getting their hair-pinned. Most stroll in on walkers, sure they have gossip, but I bet it dates back about 30 years. If they want old lady gossip, my new town is thriving with 80 year old women and gossip. I totally think they should get the show, even if it means that my family will look like the Swamp People of hair. Since all Louisiana based TV shows make the state look like backwoods lunatics, this is a huge possibility. I have also considered moving back home to be a hair wash technician so that I can get in on this national TV action. I think they are definitely talented enough to have a TV show. I have had a string of bad luck with hair since about the 6th grade when I decided that my long thick curly hair was too childish. I wanted a more mature look; therefore, I opted for the "Rachel Cut". Exhibit A. However, as I previously stated that my hair is thick and curly/wavy. It ended up looking more like Exhibit B, but 10x worse. I didn't wear it nearly as well as Ms. Lopez. Let's put it this way, if I hadn't burned all of the pictures of this haircut then I would have inserted one of my own. My second string of bad luck was from this friendly little bottle.

  
I used this bottle the summer of 7th grade with my beautiful blonde friend. I have dark brown hair, and sun-in was definitely not going to make me a brilliant blonde or a light brown-haired girl. Instead what I got was a brassy-coppery-orange color that my mom let made me rock for a least the rest of the summer. Through high school and college I had mediocre because of a liar. Lauren Conrad, in the peek of The Hills, told Glamour a big fat lie. She said that the key her great hair was that she didn't use any products. Therefore, I quit using all hair products because I wanted my hair to look like the following images.

While I could be wrong, she might not use products. Who am I kidding, I am probably right. Let's just put things in perspective; she lives in sunny California where there is essentially no humidity. I live in sunny Louisiana where there is essentially 100% humidity everyday. Therefore, my thick hair totally frizzed out. The back kinked up, and the front remained straight with massive frizz. I sat down for my hair cut, and my blunt cousin said, "We have got to do something with this hair. It's atrocious. I haven't said anything for a while, but you have got to start taking care of your hair" "Umm, thanks?" While, I was getting my organic hair straightener, I was once again reading Glamour, where Ms. Conrad said that the one thing she couldn't live without was her hair extensions. I was outraged. I have had bad hair for 5 years because she claimed she didn't use products, and now she tells me the majority of her long gorgeous locks are fake! Oh, the awful pictures where my hair could have been so much better. I now have fabulous hair because I use an array of products, have had an organic chemical straightener, I use heat daily on my hair by blow drying and straightening, and I have put low lights to add tone to my hair, and I get it thinned by-weekly. I will gladly recommend all products used on my hair because it is now in fantastic shape, and I am not going to pretend that I was born with gorgeous hair. I wasn't; I have naturally thick, wavy, dandraffy hair. 

I also am a huge fan of Rusk W8less blowdryer and straightener because when you have thick hair your elbow gets tired from   hanging out above your head for an extensive amount of time. 



Needless to say famous people lie about everything, and my cousin deserves a reality TV show.