Nervous Breakdown ... Pretty Sure I'm Having One

So I finally broke down and applied to be a substitute teacher. This minor event in my life has essentially caused me to spiral into a nervous breakdown and land into an even further state of depression. I know you think I am going overboard, but I'm not! I associate this event in my life with failure. Substituting was my last resort. I have tried endlessly over the last five months to find a job ... any job:

• Manager-In-Training at Sam's Club and Walmart
• Pharmaceutical Sales Rep 
• Manager at Victoria's Secret 
• Special Needs Pre-K teacher
• Doctor's Office Receptionist (multiply offices)
• Living Social Account Manager 
• Insurance Sales 
• Online College Teacher for Education Classes
• Online Elementary Teacher 
• Real Life Elementary Teacher 
• Kellogg's Sales Rep 
• LakeShore Learning Sales Rep 
• Pearson Text Book Sales Rep 
• Bank Loan Agent 
• Bank Teller 
• Travel Agent 
• Merchandiser 
• Retail 
• Newspaper Columnist
• and the list goes on and on and on. I don't even remember half the stuff I have applied for. I job hunt daily, even on Saturdays and Sundays. Dedication. I have even contemplated joining the military because I am pretty sure, I could get a job that way.

All of these attempts have been epic failures. I have been told: I'm not qualified, I'm over qualified, We really can't afford you (I'm cheap ... I'm poor), You'll have to drive an hour to work - are you sure you are still interested? Yes, I'm still interested because I am poor and need a stinking job! Since when are we punished for being over qualified? I have a Master's degree; I'm a quick learner! I can bring myself up to qualification level overnight! I have applied to website after website to help me find a job. I'm beginning to think they are all a sham. I'd love to temp for an employment agency, but sadly there are no employment agencies in my Retirement Community, so that idea is a bust. I frequently have an identity crisis. I don't know my purpose. I don't know why I'm here, except for the fact that I can finally live under the same roof as my husband again. (And for that small fact ... my nervous breakdown is worth it) And before you think I'm just a statistic that your tax dollars are paying for, please note that I went kicking and screaming to that office and was denied of that service, too.

My nervous breakdown is not a result of the fact that I have spent the last five months of my life trying to find a job; it's the fact that I have to pay money to be a substitute teacher. I have already paid the State of Arkansas well over a grand and a half to be a teacher. No problem, I didn't mind paying all the fees. I knew my first paycheck would go to reimbursing myself for my expenditures, no problem. However, I never received my first teaching paycheck because I was never hired to teach. Instead they hired aides for classroom in the place of qualified teachers. Not bitter ... I get it. But now I am being asked to pay for the same background checks that I have already paid for ... I'm already in the system look me up!

The day of my last resort has finally arrived, and I once again went kicking and screaming to the subbing office and all the way through the application process. I had to write three paragraphs on why I want to sub ... Hmmm let's see. Do I want to sub? Absolutely not! Do I enjoy subbing? Absolutely not!  I am a planner, and subbing is a career meant for non-life-planners (we'll call it a career for a lack of a better term). You never know if you are going to work that day, so you get ready - no one calls. You don't get ready - everyone calls. It's stressful. Do you go to the gym in the morning when no one called? If you do, they might call you for a half day and now you are sweaty.


I'm not complaining, I know people are in much worse situations than me. I'll be ok! I just want a job that I don't have to pay money for and preferably one that I can wake up knowing that I am going to work that day.