Motherhood Terrifies Me

Ironically on the most celebrated day for mothers, I came to the conclusion that motherhood terrifies me. Besides inevitably screwing my kid up, I am terrified of one simple three syllable word: opinion. Everyone's got one, so why should I be so scared? I'll be the first to admit that I have a strong personality. I also hold strong opinions; some are rooted in fact and some are rooted in pure ignorance, but none the less they are my opinions. However, no matter how strong my opinion is, I am open-minded enough to realize that there is always room for my opinion to change and evolve. My strong personality partnered with another strong personality, and we created a diversely opinionated house. After almost five years of marriage I have learned to respect a different opinion, despite my deep desire to always be right. Eventually, I even have found myself voicing a blended opinion. Yet, I've noticed that respecting different opinions isn't the norm. Society has morphed into an intolerant culture. If it is not the popular mainstream belief, then it is ultimately wrong. Everyone's an expert, and rarely are people openminded ... just because an opinion seems openminded doesn't mean that it really is. While I welcome seasoned advice because I am honestly clueless when it comes to motherhood, I don't want to feel like my opinion isn't valued or that I am sitting in judgement.

In the words of our favorite wizard expelliarmus. I want to cast a little expelliarmus spell and disarm all the judgmental glares and pursed lips. I'm not going to be the perfect mom, and I've already established that I may not the most maternal person, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to be a mom. My views of motherhood could be slightly warped because 90% of my views are based from TV and movies (prime example of my opinions being based on pure ignorance). My baby-daddy likes to joke with me and say that I'm the worst mother-to-be. I probably am ... just kidding (he is too) ... My dog is normal and I'm not smoking or drinking so I think I'm doing ok. Yet, according to society I'm not. I haven't expanded by personal library with "What to Expect" books. I'm ok with reading an app to educate myself about my growing baby. I'm not putting classical music on my belly so that my baby can become a musical genius. I'm not excited about breastfeeding (who is?). I think daycare is a completely normal place for my baby to hang out. I'm ok with a public school education. I cringe every time I step on the scale. I'm still trying to figure out how to tone my thighs while my tummy grows. It's safe to say that I don't fit the mom mold, but I never have fit the mold. I dance to a different tune and I'm tone deaf ... I am perfectly fine with that.

Life would be much easier if I also birthed an instruction manual, but I'm not (at least I don't think I am, but there's always a first). If my kid is screaming in the middle of the grocery store just pretend like we aren't there, don't make eye contact, and say a silent prayer as you turn and walk away. I will deal with the learning curve, just don't judge me while I do it. If you do, then shame on you and Expelliarmus!