Social Network Etiquette Reform

 I'm a tweeter, a Google +er, a pinner, a blogger, an instagramer, a facebooker, a g-chatter, an iChatter, and an ex-AOL IMer; basically I'm a social networking hoe. I have pretty much been around the social networking block, and I have bone to pick. We are living in an age filled with status updates that make me cringe! We need to reform social networking, and we need to do it NOW! I will single-handedly volunteer to launch this campaign. I will also be the first to sign up to teach Social Networking as an elective because I am that passionate about this reform. I was one of the first to petition facebook so that Louisiana Tech could join the social network site, so I am pretty much an expert on social networking. Shameless brag. I have been there since the beginning.

So line up with your feet out because I am about to step on some toes.

The Anniversary Post:
I am balls to the walls happy that you made it another year in martial bliss. But you are not fooling me ... not one bit. If you have to tell me and 1,000 other strangers, your social networking friends, how wonderfully fabulous, romantic, and sweet your husband is via a status update, then I know you are lying or just trying to make all the EXs jealous. ... Well they probably don't care anymore, and sadly I'm not buying it. Yea, I married my best friend too, but I just tell him in bed every night how much I like him. I applaud your grand Internet gesture, but I would much rather read your real life status updates on your marriage because it is WAY more entertaining. Mine would look like this :
@lauren__warren:  Excuse me while I stare at your head w/ annoyance! I'm slaving away in the kitchen & some people get 2 watch SportsNation #marriagebliss
@Thequarterican:  It's not my fault that you cleaned the kitchen earlier and are messing it up now. Go to the gym. I'll buy more cheese and we can eat later.
@lauren__warren: Fine thanks, see you later, love you
Much more entertaining! In my house the gym fixes everything, and in 140 characters my husband has essentially saved us from a massive row. (Row is English for argument and a way more fun word.)

The Birthday Post:
I have listened to multiple girlfriends (yes, I love you girls, but remember it is toe-stepping time) drone on/ obsess over whether or not they should say happy birthday on facebook, and if they say it on facebook should they say it on twitter too. If they call to say happy birthday, should they send a mid-afternoon text? Would it be too much to post an e-card to facebook? And take screen shot of said card to post on instagram with a happy birthday message, which will link to twitter too. So then they would have two happy birthdays on facebook and twitter so would that be too much? Yes, yes to all of it. OMG I am exhausted too! Who are they wishing happy birthday too? Just say happy birthday once, in person preferably or in a private phone call. In reality, chances are they are trying to make sure all of the 1,000 "fake" friends see their birthday post, so essentially they have made someone's else birthday about them. Real sweet and meaningful ladies.

I know you all think I am a bad wife because I didn't tell my husband happy birthday or happy anniversary on facebook. I'm not ... I told him to his sweet face like a normal person.

The Nugget Brewing In Your Belly Post:
Modesty, when did we get rid of modesty? I have seen far too many insides of women who I can't remember where I know their outsides from. YES, I am so happy for you, but I do NOT want to see your sonogram if we are merely facebook friends. It is way too invasive for me. I'll gladly look at your sonogram with joyful tears in my eyes if I know you in real life. I once had a sonogram of a fibroid tumor in my boob, but you don't see me making that my profile picture! Although, now I am slightly tempted.

Travel Post:
I know you are just making me insanely jealous of your vacas. It's ok with me. I understand. I do it, too.

The Nugget Popped Out and Is Now Living Life Post:
No, I don't love or care about your kid as much as you. I get it, you want everyone to know your kid is cuter than theirs, and they probably are. I'll never join that race because I am pretty sure, you will be far more curious about what my kid looks like if I only release a few pictures to social networking outlets. Their privacy is much more important to me. - This would be my stance if I were famous. Kid Posts are equivalent to the coffee table scrapbook that no one really wants to look at, but do and comment to be polite. My husband and I like to play "Guess Whose Kid This Is" with everyone's constant kid posts, so I guess your posts do provide us with a half hour of entertainment, and for that I thank you.

TV Post:
Thank you because without my twitter blowing up 10 weeks ago raving the The Newsroom, I never would have never been turned on to this Aaron Sorkin gem! I will be eternally grateful.

Bottom Line: It's ok to live life outside of social networks and not feel the need to post everything. Regain your privacy and regain your tangible life.

Mid-20's Crisis ... I'm Dramatically There

Well summer came and went, and much to no one's surprise (well probably to most people's surprise ... well hopefully to most people's surprise) I didn't land a teaching job in this Semi-Retirement Community. (I've downgraded the status of my current location from Retirement Community to a Semi-Retirement Community because most of the old people moved north to the Village, and there is a larger population of 30-50 year olds here than I previously thought and most of them haven't retired yet. (also the locals were complaining about the name... just being honest.))

Maybe I'm going overboard about my mid-20's crisis, but I would like to point out that my 4th grade teacher was absolutely correct when she named me "Most Dramatic" in the class. (To this day, I still regret not being quick-witted enough to give an acceptance speech.) If you can't be dramatic about not finding a job, not even knowing what you want to be when you grow up and yet you are grown up, living in a new town with new people, feeling like you don't have a purpose in life besides being a house keeper, or the fact that no one offered you a bazillion dollars for your "Fantasy Shopping" game, then what can you be dramatic about? This is real life people, and I'm going to be dramatic. I did a lot of job hunting this morning on the Internet, and found that Best Buy and Chilli's are my main two options. Lucky Me!- Sike. (If you skipped the 90's and are unfamiliar with the term sike, it means: not really or I'm totally lying.) Since that was a bust, I started looking for real jobs like being a Greeting Card editor, a nail polish or lipstick namer, and any job that deals with clothing. Still I came up empty handed ...  imagine that. I even looked into unemployment ... I don't think I qualify, but that is ok! I'm dramatically staying positive. 

By now, I'm sure you'll agree this can be considered a mid-20's crisis. My two friends have tried to comfort me and help me look on the bright side. They said maybe I should figure out what I really want to do in life ... like I haven't been trying to figure that out since 16, and I'm still at a lose. They also suggested that I should have a kid, well that makes a lot of sense, since we are poor. (I do kind of want a kid because I want to name it and dress it.) Well my bright side was being able to go on a trip to the Cayman Islands courtesy of my fabulous sister-in-law who knows about my crisis, but there's a hurricane coming. Just my luck! Don't worry we did relocate so there is still a bright side, but after this weekend, I don't know what my bright side is going to be. In case you noticed, I did also downgraded my friend size because I really only hang out with two of them. Just to make it clear I have two friends and three acquaintances who may be on the verge of being friends. Really only time will tell. I guess only time will tell if I find a job, but in the meantime, I'm being dramatic about my crisis. The worst part about it is I'm too poor so go on a Mid-20's crisis shopping spree. 

Fantasy Shopping

"I never thought I would say this, but Adrian Peterson is not a first round draft pick." "Dude, some dude just dropped Ryan Fitzpatrick; you need to pick him up." "I'm so stressed because I haven't had time to research for my draft; I've just been SOO busy!" "I'm not investing anything in Mike Sims Walker ... he's garbage." "He doesn't produce every game." "Greg Little is no Calvin Johnson." "It's pretty risky."

 Quotes from my husband during Fantasy Football season, and it's only August.

It's really not that sad that I can recite these comments by heart because he has recited them to approximately seventy on his friends on the phone. He talks Fantasy Football in his sleep. I'll admit, I did try to buy one of his most desired players for his birthday because he didn't have time to tell me what he wanted for a 'real' birthday present ... he was too busy researching for his draft.



Since, I'm pretty much an expert at watching/listening to Fantasy Football comments, I created Fantasy Shopping. I am pretty sure that I have invented an Internet gold mine. In a nutshell, it is Fantasy Football for women, well at least it is based on that premise. I created a game to correspond with one of my most favorite seasons. Besides fashion week, every fashion guru lives and breathes for awards season. I know it’s premature, but I need to get my idea out there so that people will sign up by the time awards season rolls around. I'm confident that Joan will be knocking on my door because she thinks what I already know - this would make a great segment on Fashion Police.

Warning: Don't steal my invention, I know people ... I'm Italian

I still have to tweak the game and come up with a flashy name, but I really think I am on to something. Basically you and your friends all get together with a bottle of wine and draft three designers and five celebs to be on your team. You score points when celebrities announce that they are wearing your designer (shoes, jewelry, dresses, handbags) at any given awards show. If your chosen celebrities topped the best dressed list, then you score points. Consequently you are also docked points if your designer or celebrity lands on the worst dressed list.

Watch out! I'm pretty sure I am about to become a bazillionaire off of this game. You can thank me later when you are having the time of your life.

Job Hunting is a Beast

I'll talk fashion. I'll talk nails. I'll talk depression.

I'm not a good job hunter. I've said it once, and I'll say it again, "Job Hunting is not my favorite past time." I don't feel the need to stalk someone endlessly to prove that I'm a hard worker. Stalking does not equal perseverance in my book; it equals crazy. I'm also not going to read a book on how to get hired because let's face it, your book worked for well ... you, and probably no one else. If there were a true trick, we'd all have jobs. I have a good resume, great references, and don't kiss any tail. I'm pretty sure that last quality is why I am not a good job hunter. I was never the teacher's pet; if they liked me it was because I awkwardly made them laugh, not because, despite my maiden name, I was a brown nose. As an unemployed teacher, I saw right through those "special" children. I know how to sell myself. I know how to dress for an interview. I just don't know how to make you hire me, and I know how to not get my hopes up that you do so I can cushion the blow when you don't. 

Every time I was rejected as a kid, I told myself it was because I was going to be a famous actress and I needed to get use to the rejection. (Mary-Kate and Ashley were going to be my BFF - true story.) Well I'm not famous and they aren't my friends, so I don't know how to comfort my job hunting woes. I didn't have a passion for acting, I just wanted free clothes from designers. I'm mean who doesn't? Back to the issue at hand: How to be a good job hunter. Job hunting is much like my road to fame, going no where fast! I always thought I would be discovered one day out shopping, and someone who say, "Hey let me make you famous." I looked like a soap star as a kid - Robin from General Hospital - so this was totally plausible to me; people always came up to me in the supermarket to tell my mom how famous I looked.

Lesson One: No one will discover me in the supermarket.  ... Unless I am bagging my own groceries, and they offer me a job as a bagger. These days, job hunting is completely digital, which I hate because it is the same format/application as about 1,000 other applicants, and there is no way for me to stand out. It's not like I would normally go Elle Woods from Legally Blonde hand you a resume on pink paper, but I at least need the ability to separate myself from the crowd. That's why people should be able to create a "Hire Me" website. I can fill you in on my accolades, show you my creativity, give you an example of a lesson I would teach, and differiate myself for the thousands of other applicants.

Lesson Two: Figure out what kind of job you really want. This I have not mastered. I don't know what my dream job would be. I love teaching, but I want to leave work, and be done with work for the day or weekend. I do love clothing. Maybe I could teach people how to dress.

Lesson Three: Patience is key. I have taken a crap job in fear that I will have no job. Consequently, I have been stuck in said crap job for years. Be picky, and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. I understand that I need an income, so I can't be too picky, but I know that God has a plan for me and a phenomenal job picked out for me.

I'll fill you in on the rest of my lessons learned on my road to employment. - Lesson Four: I think I'd rather start a business and hire myself, than go on another failed interview.

Rules to Abide By When Vacationing With People

Rule Number 1:

Go BIG or STAY home. 

Meaning, be willing to spend some cash. Penny pinchers I'm warning you; you think you are clever by inviting semi-strangers to save some money under the false pretense, "The more the merrier." FYI you aren't clever, you are dumb! Yes you will save money, but you are met with extra drama that you didn't bargin for. Most of my horrific drama-filled vacations have involved random acquaintances. Who I will gladly say, I never spoke to after those lousy trips. And No, we aren't even "FaceBook Friends" anymore. I'm that cruel! Why didn't I realize that semi-annoyance would equal annoyance on steroids?  Don't think I am only referring to cheap college trips; nope, I have experienced these so-called vacas as an adult. 

Note: If an acquaintance asks you to go on a marvelous trip ... don't go, you are their plus one, who will help cut down on cost. It will be miserable!  And, you might have to sleep on the floor, and they won't care; they got a bed.

Rule Number 2:

You have to LOVE your travel companions.

In the words of my favorite red-head, "You really have to love the people you travel with." Meaning, you have to over look their flaws. As Hannah Montana would say, "Nobody's perfect." (Yes, I just quoted Hannah Montana.) Reverting back to Rule Number 1, if we are just acquaintances, I don't know you well enough to excuse your bad behavior, so I won't! And don't be offended! Love = Compromise. You don't have to worry about selfishness because everyone will find a way to do everything everyone wants to do.

Rule Number 3:

Decide on your agenda before leaving.

I failed my husband on the streets of NYC. His one request was to see the Statue of Liberty. "What? We are kinda close ... it's just across the bay. He could see it from the Empire State Building, so technically I didn't fail him." But in reality, I did. He patiently waited while I shopped and shopped and shopped some more. We were in a fashion/shopping mecca! To this day, I still feel bad, and that is why I decided that you can shop, sit at a bar, and eat at chain restaurants at home. My New Motto: If they have it at home, skip it out of town! You need to experience your destination to the fullest. I like to spend a day or two doing the "touristy" stuff, and then spend  time being cultured, going native. I also recommend getting a travel agent (they are free), and ALWAYS using a tour group (Globus) when possible. Most are legit and extremely educational. They offer various pace travel trips at various prices. Most won't screw you out of money or leave you sleeping on the floor like your so-called friends from Rule Number 1. In fact, you usually get more bang for your buck with tour groups because they have connections that you don't! I also recommend traveling with complete strangers in tour groups because they are always on their best behavior! So you don't have to worry about Rule Number 2. 

PS - You don't always have to stay with the group ... do your own thing! It's easier than getting annoyed by a lack of compromise.

Rule Number 4:

Have fun! You are on Holiday!

The key to a successful vacation is a positive attitude, sunscreen, and good walking shoes. If you are blistered, it doesn't matter who the hell you are traveling with, you are miserable, and we'll have to excuse your bad behavior ... maybe!