Social Network Etiquette Reform

 I'm a tweeter, a Google +er, a pinner, a blogger, an instagramer, a facebooker, a g-chatter, an iChatter, and an ex-AOL IMer; basically I'm a social networking hoe. I have pretty much been around the social networking block, and I have bone to pick. We are living in an age filled with status updates that make me cringe! We need to reform social networking, and we need to do it NOW! I will single-handedly volunteer to launch this campaign. I will also be the first to sign up to teach Social Networking as an elective because I am that passionate about this reform. I was one of the first to petition facebook so that Louisiana Tech could join the social network site, so I am pretty much an expert on social networking. Shameless brag. I have been there since the beginning.

So line up with your feet out because I am about to step on some toes.

The Anniversary Post:
I am balls to the walls happy that you made it another year in martial bliss. But you are not fooling me ... not one bit. If you have to tell me and 1,000 other strangers, your social networking friends, how wonderfully fabulous, romantic, and sweet your husband is via a status update, then I know you are lying or just trying to make all the EXs jealous. ... Well they probably don't care anymore, and sadly I'm not buying it. Yea, I married my best friend too, but I just tell him in bed every night how much I like him. I applaud your grand Internet gesture, but I would much rather read your real life status updates on your marriage because it is WAY more entertaining. Mine would look like this :
@lauren__warren:  Excuse me while I stare at your head w/ annoyance! I'm slaving away in the kitchen & some people get 2 watch SportsNation #marriagebliss
@Thequarterican:  It's not my fault that you cleaned the kitchen earlier and are messing it up now. Go to the gym. I'll buy more cheese and we can eat later.
@lauren__warren: Fine thanks, see you later, love you
Much more entertaining! In my house the gym fixes everything, and in 140 characters my husband has essentially saved us from a massive row. (Row is English for argument and a way more fun word.)

The Birthday Post:
I have listened to multiple girlfriends (yes, I love you girls, but remember it is toe-stepping time) drone on/ obsess over whether or not they should say happy birthday on facebook, and if they say it on facebook should they say it on twitter too. If they call to say happy birthday, should they send a mid-afternoon text? Would it be too much to post an e-card to facebook? And take screen shot of said card to post on instagram with a happy birthday message, which will link to twitter too. So then they would have two happy birthdays on facebook and twitter so would that be too much? Yes, yes to all of it. OMG I am exhausted too! Who are they wishing happy birthday too? Just say happy birthday once, in person preferably or in a private phone call. In reality, chances are they are trying to make sure all of the 1,000 "fake" friends see their birthday post, so essentially they have made someone's else birthday about them. Real sweet and meaningful ladies.

I know you all think I am a bad wife because I didn't tell my husband happy birthday or happy anniversary on facebook. I'm not ... I told him to his sweet face like a normal person.

The Nugget Brewing In Your Belly Post:
Modesty, when did we get rid of modesty? I have seen far too many insides of women who I can't remember where I know their outsides from. YES, I am so happy for you, but I do NOT want to see your sonogram if we are merely facebook friends. It is way too invasive for me. I'll gladly look at your sonogram with joyful tears in my eyes if I know you in real life. I once had a sonogram of a fibroid tumor in my boob, but you don't see me making that my profile picture! Although, now I am slightly tempted.

Travel Post:
I know you are just making me insanely jealous of your vacas. It's ok with me. I understand. I do it, too.

The Nugget Popped Out and Is Now Living Life Post:
No, I don't love or care about your kid as much as you. I get it, you want everyone to know your kid is cuter than theirs, and they probably are. I'll never join that race because I am pretty sure, you will be far more curious about what my kid looks like if I only release a few pictures to social networking outlets. Their privacy is much more important to me. - This would be my stance if I were famous. Kid Posts are equivalent to the coffee table scrapbook that no one really wants to look at, but do and comment to be polite. My husband and I like to play "Guess Whose Kid This Is" with everyone's constant kid posts, so I guess your posts do provide us with a half hour of entertainment, and for that I thank you.

TV Post:
Thank you because without my twitter blowing up 10 weeks ago raving the The Newsroom, I never would have never been turned on to this Aaron Sorkin gem! I will be eternally grateful.

Bottom Line: It's ok to live life outside of social networks and not feel the need to post everything. Regain your privacy and regain your tangible life.